Why Do We Seek Revenge?
Has someone ever wronged you so badly that you wanted to get back at them? To make them feel the same way they made you feel? You’re not alone. This is a common universal experience known as revenge, which has been around for centuries. Revenge is a way to get back to someone, a way to make the “enemy” the one to have a bad headspace and environment so you can leave yourself in a good one. It’s an event that has its own turn of events, which are more than often consequential rather than beneficial. So, why exactly do we seek revenge even if it comes at a high cost?
To put it simply, revenge feels powerful. When someone does us wrong, getting back at them gives us pride and power, which is what is wanted after getting wronged. In many cases, it’s perceived as a form of justice, and is a way, an “eye for an eye” situation. Revenge is portrayed as a way to right wrongs, and bring a sense of fairness, or really a sense of power in a situation you're powerless in. The reality of the situation is this satisfaction is only temporary. In the end, it’s not really fulfilling, leading to long lasting tensions between the individuals and bystanders involved.
However, a one time deal isn’t enough for some people. What starts as a simple act of revenge can turn into a giant uncontrolled conflict between the people involved, not only affecting the individuals involved but also the people around them. When the feeling of satisfaction is gone as quickly as it came, the longing for it tends to come again. The belief that revenge will bring someone peace and closure is often left unfulfilled, and instead leads with exhaustion and the mess left unsolved. The article “Seeking Revenge: Its Causes, Impact, and Challenge” by Psychology Today suggests, “[revenge] often creates a cycle of retaliation, with the victim citing the most recent offense as yet another justification for further revenge. In effect, revengeful feelings and behaviors only train the brain to become more vulnerable to seek revenge.”
So again, why do we really look to commit acts of revenge? Because anger is easier to hold on to than let go, and doesn’t require damaging an ego like an apology “does.” An apology often is never considered because one can feel the other person doesn’t deserve one, or that the individual’s ego or “power” in the situation will be “damaged” or “looked less of.” The reality of the situation is that there should be an apology. Or at the minimum the healthy burning of a bridge in a way that wont have consequence in the long run.
So how exactly do we get back at the individuals that have done us wrong? Stop acting irrationally and selfishly. Think, why did the situation happen the way it did? Why did the individual act the way they did? Why did you get into a fight with the persons involved, and why did you act the way you did? Was it because of the overwhelming sense it may have caused? The lack of communication? Those are all some of the many things that need to be considered when learning how to handle a situation that doesn’t necessarily need to be revenge. Not every ending has to be good, but never should it be bad in aspects you can control.
Stosny, Steven. "Seeking Revenge: Its Causes, Impact, and Challenge." Psychology Today, November 2023, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202311/seeking-revenge-its-causes-impact-and-challenge.
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